Sometimes I dont know if I am coming or going. They say when it rains, it pours but now I see torrential rainfall. A tsunami, not just a change in the weather. I want to beleive that God is still God and that He did not just develop this elaborate plan to get me to take my life, because He could have just done it Himself in my sleep. They say thank God you are alive, and I wonder to myself, is being alive really a good thing. Death will end all, won't it.
Yesterday, my friend who has been putting me up in her house asked me to leave. She said she misses her privacy and did not want a situation where I would give birth in her house. I totally get that. It's not easy to live with someone. But the part that hurts me is that she started complaining about things she said I did and she was angry about. Obviously, she had been chronicling my misdeeds against her and waiting for a time when she would explode.
She said she was the reason why we had never quarreled was because she was tolerating all the stuff I had done to her. (It never occurred to her that I too, might have been tolerating her), she said I would come into the house upset from somewhere else and she would still try to find out what was wrong with me (?!) That I would scold her siblings for coming into the room and disturbing when I was asleep. So many little things that I thought we wee good over or at least she should have mentioned to me! You see the thing is, beyond being my benefactor she was my closest friend! I don't know anything that I did not tell this girl and I had a huge amount of respect for her. So I would expect that if she saw something that upset her she would let me know so that we could trash it out or if she chose to ignore it then she would let it go and not just keep a mental compilation until it became my bibliography! We had been through a lot together, or so I thought so a few misunderstandings should not end our friendship. After she had spoken, I thanked her, apologised for my 'evil' and just kept quiet. Then she offered to give me some money when I was leaving to help me out, and I felt insulted.
Going over the issue today, I began to fit bits and pieces of our past into the big picture. How I did not know she had a violent fight with her ex-husband and had to be rushed to the hospital, had moved out and was staying in a hotel, until weeks after. That day she called her boss, who she claims not to like so much and two of his friends to come to her rescue. But I did not take that as an issue. I also recalled how she has this habit of hiding things that you ordinarily would discuss with your friends, how we were in the same house and she was broke but could not ask me to lend her money, her car papers were expired, she could not renew them, and when the traffic authorities arrested her I would not have known if I hadn't called her that day to just joke around. How when she and her husband were fighting for custody of their child I had to force it out of her, and so on. Maybe I alone had this friendship.
Anyway, God is in control. I have to look for a place to go to now. A tough feat now that I am 7 months pregnant and broke and jobless. I had a few friends offer to give me money but it turns out that the money they have been expecting has failed to come. Meanwhile I have only this week to pay for that house.
When and if all this ever ends, I wonder what I am supposed to learn from it. How not to trust people,? How to keep to myself? What?
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
Bouncing Off The Walls
Day by day It's more impossible to cope I feel like I'm the one doing dope
( My mind's playin' tricks on me By (I can't remember)
So I called my friend and asked what the issue was and she said she did not want to talk about it yet. But she is still acting funny and we never speak. I'm afraid to do anything or touch anything or talk to anyone because I don't know what the problem is.
In a related development and because of the situation above, I decided something drastic had to be done about the house situation. I mean, it got so that i could not eat until late in the night say about 9 or 10 because did not want to run into her in the kitchen and she gets angry that I am using her utensils or something ( I buy my foodstuff) and that was so unhealthy for the baby, so much so that its movement reduced seriously. anyway, so I came upon this idea to ask my doctor to ask his patients to help one patient of his with a bq or something if they had it. I mean, I figured that if I was going to get a place it would have to be on a charity basis so I had to beg. My doctor misunderstood and gave me the name of an agent. Well, I went along with that idea thinking, what do I have to lose?
On the first day he took me to see a place he described as a mini flat. When I went with a taxi to pick him up he was with another agent - aren't they always- they both got into the car and we drove to the place. at the house they knocked and knocked on the gate for what seemed like ages and no one answered. Then they finally called the house owner who in turn called his lawyer to come to our rescue. So we waited in the taxi, and a noisy, rickety, jalopy pulled up. Out came a thin, weasely man, wearing an ankara caftan, with glasses in his hand. He walked up to the two agents who by now were again at the gate and answered their greeting like he would have preferred not to if not for circumstances. Then he walked up to the house and pressed the bell. (Duh) Finally someone came and began the noises that indicated they were trying to open the gate. The problem was that apart from being locked from inside it was also padlocked from outside!
At this time, I came out of the car and walked up to them. The lawyer made an elaborate turn to pretend like he did not see me so I greeted him. He acknowledged my greeting with all the grace of a monarch and then it seemed the idea struck him. He turned to the two men and asked' who wants the house'. My agent and I answered at the same time that it was me (heeellooooo). He ignored me and asked my agent again' is it her or her husband?'. (At that point in time I was ready to leave because any house that has even a hint of prejudice is not worthy of my presence. I don't want any stress in a place I want to lay my head. ) At this point in time the agent had indicated to the lawyer that I was pregnant so there had to be a husband (LOL) , and the lawyer had launched into this story of how the landlord was a very strict medical doctor who did not want a woman in his house. That he practically had to send the lady who was there previously away, and she was working with Skye bank., blah, blah, blah. By then I was already impatient to leave but my agent kept saying I should calm down and see the place, that the lawyer could speak to the man if I liked it.
Anyway, the person opening the gate had finally figured that there was a lock outside and passed the key. We finally were let into the grounds. A semi-impressive duplex took most of the view in the compound as you entered. To the right beside the house was a parked jeep. The place looked like it had just undergone construction and the workers had cleaned up hurriedly and left. There was bits of construction debris on the floor, and dust everywhere. The miniflat in question seemed to also be beside the main house, but as we walked in, right beside the jeep, we were led to a gate, which led to the mini flat.
( My mind's playin' tricks on me By (I can't remember)
So I called my friend and asked what the issue was and she said she did not want to talk about it yet. But she is still acting funny and we never speak. I'm afraid to do anything or touch anything or talk to anyone because I don't know what the problem is.
In a related development and because of the situation above, I decided something drastic had to be done about the house situation. I mean, it got so that i could not eat until late in the night say about 9 or 10 because did not want to run into her in the kitchen and she gets angry that I am using her utensils or something ( I buy my foodstuff) and that was so unhealthy for the baby, so much so that its movement reduced seriously. anyway, so I came upon this idea to ask my doctor to ask his patients to help one patient of his with a bq or something if they had it. I mean, I figured that if I was going to get a place it would have to be on a charity basis so I had to beg. My doctor misunderstood and gave me the name of an agent. Well, I went along with that idea thinking, what do I have to lose?
On the first day he took me to see a place he described as a mini flat. When I went with a taxi to pick him up he was with another agent - aren't they always- they both got into the car and we drove to the place. at the house they knocked and knocked on the gate for what seemed like ages and no one answered. Then they finally called the house owner who in turn called his lawyer to come to our rescue. So we waited in the taxi, and a noisy, rickety, jalopy pulled up. Out came a thin, weasely man, wearing an ankara caftan, with glasses in his hand. He walked up to the two agents who by now were again at the gate and answered their greeting like he would have preferred not to if not for circumstances. Then he walked up to the house and pressed the bell. (Duh) Finally someone came and began the noises that indicated they were trying to open the gate. The problem was that apart from being locked from inside it was also padlocked from outside!
At this time, I came out of the car and walked up to them. The lawyer made an elaborate turn to pretend like he did not see me so I greeted him. He acknowledged my greeting with all the grace of a monarch and then it seemed the idea struck him. He turned to the two men and asked' who wants the house'. My agent and I answered at the same time that it was me (heeellooooo). He ignored me and asked my agent again' is it her or her husband?'. (At that point in time I was ready to leave because any house that has even a hint of prejudice is not worthy of my presence. I don't want any stress in a place I want to lay my head. ) At this point in time the agent had indicated to the lawyer that I was pregnant so there had to be a husband (LOL) , and the lawyer had launched into this story of how the landlord was a very strict medical doctor who did not want a woman in his house. That he practically had to send the lady who was there previously away, and she was working with Skye bank., blah, blah, blah. By then I was already impatient to leave but my agent kept saying I should calm down and see the place, that the lawyer could speak to the man if I liked it.
Anyway, the person opening the gate had finally figured that there was a lock outside and passed the key. We finally were let into the grounds. A semi-impressive duplex took most of the view in the compound as you entered. To the right beside the house was a parked jeep. The place looked like it had just undergone construction and the workers had cleaned up hurriedly and left. There was bits of construction debris on the floor, and dust everywhere. The miniflat in question seemed to also be beside the main house, but as we walked in, right beside the jeep, we were led to a gate, which led to the mini flat.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Picking Up The Pieces
Hello Morning
When Does The Fun Begin
Goodbye Morning
Sorry It Had To End
See I cried Just A Little Too Long
Now It's Time For Me To Move On
Dionne Farris: Hopeless, Love Jones Soundtrack
When Does The Fun Begin
Goodbye Morning
Sorry It Had To End
See I cried Just A Little Too Long
Now It's Time For Me To Move On
Dionne Farris: Hopeless, Love Jones Soundtrack
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