Sometimes I dont know if I am coming or going. They say when it rains, it pours but now I see torrential rainfall. A tsunami, not just a change in the weather. I want to beleive that God is still God and that He did not just develop this elaborate plan to get me to take my life, because He could have just done it Himself in my sleep. They say thank God you are alive, and I wonder to myself, is being alive really a good thing. Death will end all, won't it.
Yesterday, my friend who has been putting me up in her house asked me to leave. She said she misses her privacy and did not want a situation where I would give birth in her house. I totally get that. It's not easy to live with someone. But the part that hurts me is that she started complaining about things she said I did and she was angry about. Obviously, she had been chronicling my misdeeds against her and waiting for a time when she would explode.
She said she was the reason why we had never quarreled was because she was tolerating all the stuff I had done to her. (It never occurred to her that I too, might have been tolerating her), she said I would come into the house upset from somewhere else and she would still try to find out what was wrong with me (?!) That I would scold her siblings for coming into the room and disturbing when I was asleep. So many little things that I thought we wee good over or at least she should have mentioned to me! You see the thing is, beyond being my benefactor she was my closest friend! I don't know anything that I did not tell this girl and I had a huge amount of respect for her. So I would expect that if she saw something that upset her she would let me know so that we could trash it out or if she chose to ignore it then she would let it go and not just keep a mental compilation until it became my bibliography! We had been through a lot together, or so I thought so a few misunderstandings should not end our friendship. After she had spoken, I thanked her, apologised for my 'evil' and just kept quiet. Then she offered to give me some money when I was leaving to help me out, and I felt insulted.
Going over the issue today, I began to fit bits and pieces of our past into the big picture. How I did not know she had a violent fight with her ex-husband and had to be rushed to the hospital, had moved out and was staying in a hotel, until weeks after. That day she called her boss, who she claims not to like so much and two of his friends to come to her rescue. But I did not take that as an issue. I also recalled how she has this habit of hiding things that you ordinarily would discuss with your friends, how we were in the same house and she was broke but could not ask me to lend her money, her car papers were expired, she could not renew them, and when the traffic authorities arrested her I would not have known if I hadn't called her that day to just joke around. How when she and her husband were fighting for custody of their child I had to force it out of her, and so on. Maybe I alone had this friendship.
Anyway, God is in control. I have to look for a place to go to now. A tough feat now that I am 7 months pregnant and broke and jobless. I had a few friends offer to give me money but it turns out that the money they have been expecting has failed to come. Meanwhile I have only this week to pay for that house.
When and if all this ever ends, I wonder what I am supposed to learn from it. How not to trust people,? How to keep to myself? What?