You know how you are supposed to do something but you keep putting it off forever? Well that has been my relationship with this update for the past few weeks. Prior to that I had no internet. It's not so much laziness or procrastination as it is weakness. Every time I think of what I want to write , of what I feel, I get weak.
It also seems that when I get angry with my mum is when I am most willing to write: but then, no surprises there.
My stay in this house has been turbulent- as much for the occupants as much as for myself. At present, I am barely speaking to anyone but my daughter, and everyone in the house has someone they are keeping malice with as well. A house is not a home...
Anyway, before I launch into the history and relate it to the present, I just want to talk about how I feel right now. I have been thinking a lot about the father of my daughter, lately, and not in a good way. I swear if he was standing in front of me in the past couple of weeks I would have run him over. Maybe even stabbed him, and not batted an eye. I feel that bad. I look at my daughter, who, though very happy, is wearing undersize clothes, and frequently catches malaria because she sleeps in her grandmother's room with too much traffic, and I feel really bad. I literally have to beg to feed her, to buy her food and today, we are on the last tin of food. It's half gone and because i had this fight with my mum I dont see it coming from her again. So I am worried.
I found out that there is nothing in the Nigerian constitution that provides for things like this so even if I wanted to sue him, I cant. And it's so frustrating considering he is walking around doing his own thing, taking good care of his other child/children, -that one was even born in the US- while my own just is denied of everything. And it's more frustrating that I cannot help the situation because my attempts at getting work have been stonewalled by Fate.
So, a year and a month after I fled the house where my baby was born, I am still in my parents, without a penny to my name, and, to add to it, terribly confused about what direction to go in since most have failed. I havent been to do a test since last year so I cant really say how well either my daughter or I are doing, health(HIV) wise. I worry, too, about that. Before you think I am just bone lazy I will give you an example of my wahala. In November, I got a job with a South African company to handle production, I executed it, but till today, I am still waiting for payment! Imagine all the debts I owe!
I love my daughter. I love having her. But now, I find myself thinking, wondering if I shouldnt haveBut I know she was meant to come; nothing stopped her. And the option would have been to kill her( shudder). I dont like being at home, being at the mercy of my parents, although my mum is a brick cos she puts up with a lot of the nonsense I dish out, but it's not the same thing.
(to be continued)